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i don't suffer from insanity... i enjoy every minute of it... | |||
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Sunday, March 05, 2006 potlucky. i went to westcourt for an old people potluck today... and i hafta say... i don't feel so old =) when anna left... i think i mighta been the youngest person there =) but it was good.. there was lotsa yummy food and it was really funny listening to people talk about weird weird things =) we talked about what we wanted to do after we were done school... and even tho i know what i would like to do... a big part of me knows it won't happen. i say i wanna work to save up for grad school... and to go to grad school after i save up enough money... but i think.. i think i know it's not gonna happen. i know that with my marks i won't be able to make it into grad school.. i know that if i start working.. first of all.. i'm most likely not gonna find a job in my field and i'm not gonna find a very good job. i mean all the joking about having a mcdonalds degree... i know in the back of my head its true. and i dunno why.. but a part of me... really doesn't seem to care what happens after school. i mean.. i should care shouldn't i? i can't expect to live at home and bum off my parents.. i mean i don't WANT to live at home. it means no freedom and a curfew of 1:00. i really have no clue what's gonna happen after i finish school. and it's sad.. cuz i mean being in 4th year i should at least have SOME clue of what i want to do with my life... why is it i still don't know? i've had 4 years of school to decide... and i still don't know. i feel like i'm just drifting from one stage of life to the next and i have no clue what's going on or where i'm going. i'm so clueless. and hearing people talk about where they feel that God is calling them to... how do you know? is it just a gut feeling? like... i think i still have difficulty understanding how people... have such a passion for God... is it just me? i don't feel passionate about anything... i'm just drifting... i don't think i really understand how someone can be so passionate about something... how do you know where God is calling you? how do you know when God is calling you to do something? how. do. you. know? at lifesong on friday the theme thing was driven... what's driving you? what if... you have no drive? what if nothing is driving you? how do you change if theres no motivation? how do you change that? it seems like a bit of a problem to me... wanting to change.. but not having enough motivation to do it... i'm a failure in school. my spiritual life is a dismal failure. i see myself... going nowhere in the future. I AM A FAILURE. how sad. 0_o ( 2:09 AM ) ~ punchyfruit ~ |
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